Stop Controlling!

Well, I may step on some toes! God got my attention several years ago and I was surprised at what He taught me about the need to be in control. There are different types of control, they don't all look the same or have the same historical cause or purpose behind the action, BUT they are all control!! At the root, it is ALL based on fear!!

We have all heard about people in "controlling relationships" where one of the people involved insist on having things their way, or they put their partner down for doing things differently. Some people won't let their partner associate with other people or go places without them. These things are all signs of an unhealthy relationship. Usually, this type of control stems from insecurity and the controlling party feels inadequate and puts others down to feel superior or is afraid that their partner will find someone else and leave. The one "controlling" the other is in need of deep healing. Usually, something in the person's past has made them feel like they are not enough, or unloved. They may have been abandoned or neglected at some point in their past. This is heartbreaking but not a reason to stay in a bad situation. This person needs counseling and prayer. If this is a marriage, much prayer and understanding is necessary along with someone for you both to talk to.

Now on to the control that God pointed out to me. This was surprising and I was guilty. I was a "people pleaser", I wanted everyone to be happy, everything to be ok and I hated trouble. (I still don't like trouble) but the way to deal with this type of feeling is different than you might think. So, when I wanted everyone to be happy and everything to be good, I would go to work trying to fix things. I would try to make people happy, change things to make circumstances better, and I would blame myself when it wasn't ok.

This may sound normal to some of you, but it isn't. To try and "control" someone's emotions, response, or the situation, is still Control!! Even though it has a good motive, it is still controlling.

Letting others have the freedom to feel the way they do, even if you don't like it, or if it scares you for them to be mad at you is ok. I'm not talking about violence...that is not ok. But, don't try to change their thoughts, feelings, and the outcome of every situation. Let people have some freedom to be themselves around you. Give them room, and let them know that you understand that they have their own feelings. It doesn't mean that you cut off communication about whatever the situation is, but you must give others the freedom to choose how to feel and when to talk. If you are too afraid to do this, you need to address some deep heart wounds of your own.

This goes for any type of relationship, marriage, work, kids, whatever it is. Not to say that you give people the right to act any way they want to with you, just that you allow them to feel what they need to feel and express it with you in the proper way,

when they are ready.

Stop Controlling!!!